Making Connections
Widen Your Social World
with These Tips
There will be times in life when you want to build new friendships with fellow women. The situations can vary – you have moved, your have a new career, there are changes in your regular circle of friends, or you have joined a new organization.
Some people are naturally outgoing and have few problems creating new friendships. But most of us will run into several roadblocks that cause stress when seeking to connect with others.
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Awesome People Want to Know You
Many people spend their lives in the same circle of family and friends. But if you’re going to stretch outside your comfort zone and try new things, you’re going to meet new people. You’ll want to surround yourself with new people that share your goals and interests. You will also want to build new friendships with fellow women.
You’re Not an Outsider
When you first go to a new place or try a new thing, it’s easy to think that everyone there knows each other. For example, you’re trying to lose weight and you join a gym in your area. It would be easy to come into the first fitness class and assume the other participants have always been friends and there’s no room for you.
You may even think the group is a clique and feel like you’re on the outside. For some people, this can trigger feelings that you’re back in high school, trying to impress the popular kids. While these feelings are normal, they’re not necessarily accurate. When desiring to make friends with fellow women, these anxieties can be a bit of a challenge.
The truth is cool people who are trying new things are always interested in other people that are doing the same thing. Just like you, the other participants in your fitness class are stretching outside of their comfort zone, too.
Often, other people are as curious about you as you are about them. From her perspective, another participant thinks that you look like a cool person doing something new. She feels nervous about saying “hi” or starting up a conversation, too.
Get Outside Your Head
The biggest mistake you can make when trying something new is to spend the whole time in your head. Focus on reaching out to other people around you. Compliment someone else’s shoes or ask where they found that dress.
Don’t do this with an agenda. Simply show interest in those around you and ask questions. You can ask where someone works, how they got started in their chosen profession or hobby, what their plans are for the future.
Avoid asking too many questions right in a row. It can make other people feel like they’re being quizzed. Instead, ask a question and pause for a response. Sometimes, the person you’re talking to will ask you the same or a different question in return. Sometimes, the conversation will take a different direction after your question but don’t fret. Just go with it.
Focus on Relationship
When trying to build friendships with other women, first focus on relationships with a variety of others. For example, if you’re at a professional function, it can be easy to make your conversations all about your business. But people won’t care about your business until they feel you care about them.
So focus on making friends. Maybe invite the other person to share a meal with you or go out to coffee together. Be open to being socially connected before you are professionally connected in some way.
As you get involved in new activities and pursue new goals, don’t try to go solo. Get to know other people around you. Take an interest in their lives and look for potential friendships that you can nurture. You never know where these new relationships will lead.
You still may have some reservations about venturing out into unknown social territory. You might have some social anxiety, or you may have been in a rut with your past circle of friends. You may think that your friendship skills are rusty.
There is another roadblock to making friends with other women. It may be that you think you don’t like most people so much anymore, for a variety of reasons.
But I Don’t Like People: Breaking Old Judgments
It’s easy to dislike certain types of people. Often, the people you dislike have hurt you or someone you love. As a result, you become biased. You might say, “I don’t like doctors. They’re so arrogant! I hate church people. They’re all hypocrites.”
It’s a normal part of the human experience to like some people and not like other people. If you’ve lived long or if you’ve experienced a lot of difficulty in relationships, you may have a whole list of different types of people you don’t like. This can make it easy to judge people based on how you think they’ll act or what you suspect they’ll say.
Are You Afraid of Differences?
The problem is that these biases can prevent potential friendships before they even have a chance to start. You might look at someone and say, “She reminds me of Emma. There’s no way I could be friends with her.”
Sometimes our dislikes are formed because we fear someone who is different from us. Maybe you’ve decided you don’t like Democrats or Republicans. Maybe you’ve said that the millennial generation are a bunch of entitled whiners. Maybe you think that baby boomers are judgmental know-it-alls.
Are You Always on Guard?
In some cases, you may have formed judgements to protect yourself. For example, maybe you shared a deeply personal story with someone who gossiped about you later. It would be understandable if you said, “I can’t be vulnerable like that again.”
But closing yourself off from support makes it hard to heal. If you’re rejecting people based on what someone else did, you have no room to grow. You’re denying yourself the comfort that comes from a community that longs to wrap their arms around you. It’s not about hurting the people around you. You’re hurting yourself.
If you want to change your life and invite kind, supportive people into it, you have to be willing to do something different. That means suspending judgment and giving people a chance to show you who they are. Don’t be afraid to open your heart to someone new.
Are You Willing to Lower Your Drawbridge?
This doesn’t mean you have to let everyone into your inner circle within five minutes of meeting them. Think of your heart like a castle. Some people open the drawbridge and let anyone come walking into their lives. Some people close their drawbridge and never invite another soul in.
But you don’t have to choose between those two extremes. There’s a third option – lower your drawbridge a little. Open the door to your life just a tiny bit. The people who care about you and genuinely want to be your friend will wait patiently for you to open up and let them in. These are the types of good people you should try to surround yourself with.
So how do you open your door a bit and find out who you can let into your life?
For that matter, how do you take the first steps with a new person or any person who could be a friend?
How do you find a sense of belonging in a new place, a new business, or other new environment?
It all starts with kindness.
How To Regain A Sense Of Belonging Through Kindness
It’s common to want to feel a sense of belonging. When we belong, we are accepted as a member of the group. A sense of belonging is a normal human need just as our need for food and shelter is. When you feel like you belong, you feel your life has value and you cope with your emotions better.
Sometimes though, we lose our sense of belonging.
This can be for a myriad of reasons. Traumatic events could influence a person’s self esteem and self-compassion. Trauma often leaves survivors feeling out of sync with the rest of the world. They feel lonely, overwhelmed, anxious, turmoil and emotional pain that creates a sense they are different.
As humans we are social beings. Our relationship quality is affected by our mental, physical and emotional health. As researcher and author Brené Brown explains, “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.”
Regaining a Sense of Belonging
One way to help regain a sense of belonging is through kindness. Kindness releases the feel-good hormone. It makes you feel happier and improves your mood. Here are some ways to regain your sense of belonging.
Contribute to the lives of others by offering to listen and be a sounding board for them. This not only brings them joy but will give you a feeling of connectedness.
Have compassion for others who are different for you. Spend time helping others who are less fortunate, have different likes or needs than you.
Let go of judgments that build walls. Instead focus on people by connecting with them. No one is perfect. We all have struggles.
Be kind in your words and way of thinking. Use words that offer strength, compassion, acceptance and caring.
Begin building healthy relationships with other women using kindness. Healthy relationships are important to our sense of well-being. Help trauma survivors realize they are safe and secure by showing them kindness.
Give and receive compliments with kindness.
Be compassionate of others who are suffering.
Begin doing things that bring you joy. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Give your time at a soup kitchen.
Be kind to yourself instead of always putting yourself down. Take a compliment for what it truly is – an act of genuine caring and kindness.
Join groups or clubs that are interesting to you. Participate in discussions and be kind to those who are members.
We all want to feel like we belong. When our sense of belonging becomes affected and destroyed by trauma or other factors, we need to find a way to regain it.
Kindness to both yourself and to others is one of the easiest ways to begin gaining your sense of belonging back.
And this is an indispensable way to gain new friends.
